Connie Havest
Jeans Warehouse- Kaneohe
46-056 Kamehameha Highway #A111
Kaneohe, Hawaii 96744
Aloha Connie,
Like a lot of other kids my age, I love to find good clothes, for good prices. Your customer service is friendly, and a great environment to shop in. Without a doubt, I would say your store has been nothing less then satisfying to our needs, yet an incident that occurred earlier this year, had me, as well as others involved, have second thoughts about our interest in your store.
As usual when going to the mall, my two cousins and I always go to Jeans Warehouse, and in Windward Mall, there's not many other places that have our interest, like your store does. On that particular day, we weren't exactly dressy and as usual when we all get together, we were excessively loud, and we usually get discriminated against for that, but never in your store. We had just received money, and had high intentions of spending most of it on clothing. We noticed that your store was recently renovated, and the improvements looked great. Everything was neatly organized, and the cashier desk, was moved to the middle of the store. We walked in casually, pretty much staring in awe of the improvements made, since the last time we shopped. We walked around the store maybe 2 or 3 times, checking out the sales and took some time to decide what we wanted to buy. On our 4th trip around the store, we finally decided to start getting some things. As we came back to the front of the store, beginning to grab some items of the shelves and racks, a worker at the cashier desk, cleared her throat, loud enough for the whole store to hear, and it was an obviously sarcastic "throat clear." As she did this, her as well as another worker gave us a look, as if we were stealing. Their stares causes majority of the long line of customers, paying for their merchandise, to turn around and stare at us with those looks also. As everyone stared at us, we felt embarrassed by the actions of your workers, and felt we were discriminated against perhaps because of our excessive loudness, or the fact that we took so long to find the things we wanted to buy, as if we were "scoping out" the place to steal some of your items. We felt so watched, and hurt by the assumption made by your workers, that we put all of our items back, and left the store.
Since that day, my two cousins and I have sour thoughts about your store, and have since not shopped at that location. We felt as though we were discrimination against because of the way we act, or appear. I bring this issue up, so that the same issue, does not happen again to another customer, and they do not feel the same embarrassment that we felt. We honestly had no intentions of stealing a thing, and I hope this letter helps you realize the importance of good customer service, so that your store can maintain the reputation of good clothes for good prices, and great customer service.
Mahalo,
Destrie Ranon
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3 comments:
Hey DESTRIE :) haha.
Good job on this letter too. I could really feel your concern and hurt, It was really rude of them to treat you guys that way.
SENTENCE FLUENCY and ORGANIZATION- what you can do to improve on your letter is to cut down the long sentences like in the first paragraph "Without a doubt, I would say your store has been nothing less then satisfying to our needs, yet an incident that occurred earlier this year, had me, as well as others involved, have second thoughts about our interest in your store." that was a long sentence. you might want to put a period after needs and start a new one by telling them something like "earlier this year my cousins and i experienced something that gave us second thoughts." or you could say more about how you LIKE jeans wear house in your intro, then in the second paragraph tell them what you and your cousins experienced like the embarrassment you felt, then in the third paragragh explain how that day went(your story about the trips around the store) and what happen. then finally, in the fourth paragragh explain or suggest what they could do better. then your conclusion.
one more thing dont forget to look for some grammer errors then your all good.
good job again.
love you girly,
<3 Ciarah.
Your idea was great & I must say your 6 traits weren't half bad. But I do have to agree with Ciarah. You had a lot of sentence fluency mainly in your 2nd paragraph. There were many run on sentences and you either could of put a period and made another sentence from it or you could of taken away the unnecessary info and leave in the important ones. Also I agree with Ciarah on the organization. It was well put together but you could've separated the ideas by different paragraphs. Overall this essay was great, it had alot of "Destrie" in it & alot of good vocabulary. Greeeeeat job (:
Hi Destrie,
Who is Connie Havest? Is she the manager of the store? I would suggest you call her "Ms. Havest" rather than "Connie," since this is a business letter.
You present specific details to describe your experience and the issue you are addressing. For management to take action, however, you need to include a specific date and an approximate time.
I would also try to be more specific about your past purchases at the store (not particular items, but jeans? tops? most of your school wardrobe? etc) That shows how you genuinely like the store and it also provides evidence of how you are a good customer.
Then, was your primary complaint that the salesperson cleared her throat? Was there anything else that she did that was offensive to you? The detail about how everyone else stared was good because it helps to support how obvious her actions were and why you were embarrassed.
Then, I would suggest focusing on how the sales people were rude, rather than drawing conclusions about their suspicions. Instead, from your details, the management should draw their own conclusions that their salespeople were making assumptions. I would not mention stealing at all, just that you felt uncomfortable because she was singling you and your cousins out with rude behavior.
I would also concentrate on your uncomfortable and embarrassed feelings as the reason keeping you away from the store. You don't know if you will be treated politely or fairly, so you stay away. I think this would be better than talking about your "sour" feelings toward the store as I am thinking you want to go back and have a pleasant experience...so you want to convince them to change their attitudes.
Last, I think your teammates need to do a better job on their critiques. I agree that you could split up your letter into more paragraphs but Ciarah's suggested seems to advise talking about the incident in two separate paragraphs. I'm not sure what Michelle means by "a lot of sentence fluency" and "6 traits weren't half bad." These need to be both accurate and more specific.
mrs s
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